I enjoyed the original Donkey Kong Country, probably because I didn't know any better at the time. Looking back, it wasn't all that fun, and it didn't introduce anything that hadn't been seen in platformers a million times before, but it was a decent enough waste of time back in 1994.

Donkey Kong Country 2, though, I could actually see myself playing through again today. It added more depth to the formula with surprisingly non-annoying collection elements (this would change soon enough for Rare), and the gameplay and level designs were much tighter and more enjoyable than they were in the original DKC.

I've never played more than a few seconds of Donkey Kong Country 3 before today. I think this calls for a liveblog.

3:37 PM - Game started. I'm talking to Wrinkly Kong now. She died after this game, apparently. Did anyone notice or care?

3:38 PM - Help me, Funky Kong! I can't find the first level! Funky Kong introduces me to Kiddy Kong, the second playable character, who apparently plays exactly like Donkey Kong would if Donkey Kong was a big stupid baby.

3:40 PM - Found a shop full of items that I can't buy yet. Exciting!

3:42 PM - Still no gameplay. You can roam freely around the map screen now, meaning that you'll spend minutes at a time trawling the waters for actual gameplay when there is none to be found.

3:43 PM - Okay, apparently I need to rent a boat from Funky to get to an island. Will there be gameplay there? Who knows!

3:44 PM - Unbelievably, the large dot on the map marked with a flag turned out to lead to a second map screen. This map screen does include an actual level, however. Ten minutes and dozens of button presses after starting the game, I'm finally allowed to play it.

3:47 PM - Well, this sure is Donkey Kong Country. Pretty simple left-to-right stuff so far. The new character sucks. Dixie Kong no longer rocks out on guitar at the end of a level. Maybe it gets better.

3:51 PM - Okay, level 2 was nothing but a series of doors that shut on you unless you pull a switch and quickly run through them. The game has already run out of ideas. Can't wait for the escort mission on level 3, or the sewer crate puzzle in level 4.

3:55 PM - Stage 3 is stage 1 with more swimming. Swimming has ruined many platformers, but here, it just feels like business as usual.

3:56 PM - Level 4 is an ice level. Already. No joke. I just went from a swimming stage with a summer-looking background to an ice level. It's like DKC 3 is an unstoppable horror circus of things that nobody likes in video games, where concepts like logical stage progression and fun are violently murdered by Rare's cruel ringleaders from hell.

3:59 PM - Level 5 is the same is level 2, except the lights are out and the game makes you play as an elephant who freaks out and kills himself by running into enemies whenever he sees a rat. To kill the rats, you need to throw barrels at them. The barrels are often very far away from the rats, and require lots of backtracking. The level is full of rats. Donkey Kong Country 3 has transcended mere badness and has morphed into a surreal pastiche of everything that is wrong with video games.

4:05 PM - I've found myself in a strange situation where I have forced myself between two rats in an attempt to speed through the level. I'm trapped for a couple of minutes while the game doesn't know what to do with itself, since the elephant keeps freaking out and running back and forth in an endless loop. Finally, with some difficulty, I barge my way through to the exit.

4:06 PM - Bonus game time! It's a shooting gallery that's awful in a boring sort of way, and goes on for way longer than it should. Sort of like the entire game so far!

4:08 PM - I got to the boss. The boss is a giant barrel who shoots smaller barrels at you. When you jump on the barrels, bugs come out. I hate this. I quit.

I've seen enough. You only need to buy one Donkey Kong Country game for the Virtual Console, and that game is Donkey Kong Country 2. Assuming that DKC 3 isn't some kind of incredibly clever parody (I almost believe that it is), spending eight dollars on it will only bring you anger and misery.

I mean, seriously. A barrel that spits barrels at you.

That's...I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Just looking at that thing makes me sad and tired.

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specific_chris

You should see his old "live" account of beating The Legend Of Zelda's second quest for the first time. That, much like this, is amazing journalism.

I actually never really liked Donkey Kong Country in any of its iterations, but it's good to know that I missed out entirely on this gem. Thanks for keeping the public informed, sir!

ArnoldRimmer83

I agree completely with everything you have said about DKC3. Though you didn't even delve into some of the more atrocious parts like the whole banana birds thing, or the bears. I think the first sign of trouble was when Rare was watching old Baby Huey cartoons and was suddenly hit with a great idea for a new Kong character.

Still DK64 was even worse than this. In fact the worst part of that game, is having to actually own it just to legally have the arcade version of Donkey Kong with all 4 levels. You are very long overdue for an arcade compilation of some kind Nintendo.

LordBBH

So... wait. The barrel spits out smaller barrels that you have to break, which reveals a bug inside, that you then have to jump on and feed to the giant barrel. This makes him burp and fly backwards, which you have to do to send him off a ledge. Am I interpreting this video correctly? Is this what seriously happens? If he's spitting out barrels with bugs in them, why would he want to eat whatever he's spitting out? How do the bugs get put into the little barrels in the first place anyway?

I'm kinda glad I never played this.

ahamster

I forget where I saw it, but I seem to remember a little game called something like "Start to Barrel" or "Start to Crate", which is how far you have to go in the game before you see your first crate or barrel. High start-to-barrel times usually meant for a better (or at least less cliche) game.

The fact that this game made a boss out of a barrel seems significant, in an almost philosophical way. Like, this game itself is a barrel, waiting to be broken open. However, unlike other barrels, this barrel does not contain powerups. It is merely another empty barrel that you have to break, while you're on your way to finding the actual barrel with real stuff inside.

Also, if I remember right, this game has a lot of shiny things you have to collect in it. Rare's development staff was a lot like raccoons in that regard.

specific_chris

I think the website you're thinking of is the now-defunct Old Man Murray. That was a great series of articles! Someone really needs to revive the start-to-crate scoring system, because man crates are as bad as ever and they're showing up in games they really shouldn't (start to crate time for Looney Tunes: Acme Arsenal - 0.5 seconds)

vongaurd

I have all three Donkey Kong Countries and Donkey Kong64 and all are beaten. Granted DK64 needed a bit more work and the DKC3 can be a bit trifling, but i own them , enjoy them and only the easily frustrated truly hate a game anyway.

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