Nintendo describes Powerball as a futuristic mixture of football and rugby. It's neither. Powerball is soccer. Boring, unwatchable soccer. The only difference between Powerball and any other soccer video game released between 1985 and the present is that the players are cyborgs or robots or something, and you can either kick or run the ball into your opponent's end zone for points.
Note: I know nothing about rugby, so it's very likely that rugby involves similar rules and the use of cyborgs. To the uneducated eye, though, Powerball plays out like a particularly boring and pointless soccer game.
And it's one of this week's featured Virtual Console releases! FINALLY!
You'd think you'd be in for something special with a team selection screen like this one.
I picked the primitive, spear-equipped Amazons of Brazil and pitted them against the American robot cowboys of the future.
And this is what I see when the game starts. I don't know about you, man, but I don't see no horses. I don't see any racist caricatures of Brazilians, either. Regardless, the mere substitution of cyborgs for humans is bound to make for more interesting gameplay, right?
No. Not at all. After playing through an entire half a game of Powerball, I'm beginning to think that maybe I made up the part about the characters being robots. Powerball's players are slow, unskilled, and even kind of pudgy. It's impossible to maintain possession of the ball before your slob of a character is tripped by the opposing team and has the ball stripped away.
And then they score on your goal. Six times before halftime.
This is the halftime show, by the way. If there was one area where I expected Powerball to shine, it was in a halftime show full of scantily-dressed robot cheerleaders. Instead, all you get is a shot of this lady's face until you hit the A button to start the second half.
I'm really sorry about this one, guys. I don't know what Nintendo's deal is. Here's a video.
And here's something that will hopefully make you forget all about Powerball.
